As I finally decided to dedicate my passion of writing and being real as it already came out on the daily through conversation and sarcasm. It inspired me to revisit my journals and letters from the past one of which created this post. So here at The BS Daily, #anythingbutBS you’ll find Top Five Phrases I wish you could say to the parent who left without rhyme or reason.
Thank you. Whether it was your absence or presence it taught me many lessons in life one which I recently had to over come, blog posting about it later about being too independent.. but now I know why, so thank you. I am so thankful for the ability to have insight and growth in an area I can relate to many others. So often than not this world is filled of broken families leaving children lost or broken without even knowing. So thank you for allowing me to be a child who is able to relate. A child who did not survive but transformed her into a strong and inspirational young lady who is dedicated to helping others.
I’m sorry. A phrase soon to be out of my vocabulary, stay tuned for that post too, but you deserve one. As I’m an auntie now and I get to enjoy the essence of seeing and being a part of a beautiful child learning the ways of the world. To be honest its the most prize possession I own is the words Aunti Bee from my niece. So I’m sorry you left before you my first words or before I could learn the words “Dad”. I’m sorry you left before you could see me as a child learning the ways of the world, learning the importance of I’m sorry” forgiveness and finding all the wonderful things in life that would bring me joy. I’m sorry you left before the days I grew the most. I’m sorry you missed out on the many lessons life taught me but you are forgiven.
You are forgiven. You were forgiven the day kids teased me in second grade about not having a dad. I remember being on the jungle gym and the neighborhood kids I went to school with teased me for not having a real family because I didn’t have a dad. I remember them saying you are supposed to have a mom and a dad and then they have babies. I lied and told them you were dead. I said no I have a Mom and a brother and grandma and papa. I had a real family. That was the first day I realized you weren’t there. That was the only time I went home to ask about you. The only time I sat down with my mom and brother letting a tear and anger out to have my mom who convinced me that you weren’t dead. I accepted that you left, I heard you tried to come back, maybe you can say bad timing or put the blame on my mom. But to me, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that you left. It matters that I heal, It matters that I encourage myself on a daily basis that it wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, or got good grades in school. It was between you, my mom and yourself. I speak the words you are forgiven in hopes that you heal and have healed. I hope you look yourself in the mirror and say the words I tell you now. I love you.
I love you. I went out to Spain when I was 21. I went out there and met his children my sister and brother two incredible souls, his wife and family/friends. I saw his day to day and realized all of the above. Most importantly for me I was able to have so much love for a man who I didnt even know. The love I had was unconditionally and love similar to my dog Taz. A love filled of peace and patience to accept that it’s okay.
It is okay. I know deep in my heart from the outside to the inside looking in. It is okay. We get one life. We allow people in we allow people out. Some without rhyme or reason. To me we have one life to be the best we can be and well, that’s what you did. Whether that means the best mother, the best father, best husband or to me the best sister, friend, Auntie or Dog mom… That’s what I’ll be. It is okay it took me a while to realize the wonderful things you’ve taught me but…
It is okay, I love You, You are Forgiven, I’m sorry and Thank You.